Things to ponder. Steven Wright-ish humor

These things are like eating potato chips. You can't stop!

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids.
I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman," Where's the self-help section?"
She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.

How do you get off of a non-stop flight?

Women should put a picture of their missing husbands on beer cans.

What happens if you put a slinky on an escalator?

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Is "tired old cliche" one?

I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman'.

When I woke up this morning my wife asked me, 'Did you sleep good?'
I said, 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?

If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Do people in Australia, call the rest of the world, "Up Over" ?

Was it somebody's cruel idea to put an "S" in the word "LISP" ?

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while I'm in the waiting room. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

The sky already fell. Now what?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow,
how cold is it going to be?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there,
is he still wrong?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

Is it true cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
I think I've forgotten this before.

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door.
I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.'
He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

Smoking cures weight problems... eventually.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Why isn't the word, 'phonetically' spelled with an ' f '?

I knew a guy who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

I have an inferiority complex. But it's not a very good one.

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

If you are sending someone some styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

Do radioactive cats have eighteen half-lives?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building... on the ledge.
Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I spilled spot remover on my dog.
He's gone now.

Do they give pilots crash courses in flight school?

My grandfather likes to give me advise, but he's a little forgetful.
One day, he took me aside and left me there.

Something's wrong with my television set.
I got C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station.
I actually bought a congressman

I'm at Seaworld at a seafood restaurant. I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.. .. .. I could be eating a slow learner.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive, and all the impersonators would be dead.

I went to the cinema, and the prices were:
Adults $5.00, children $2.50.
So I said, 'Give me two boys and a girl.'

Why don't they just make mouse flavored cat food?

Just imagine if birds were allergic to feathers.

The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and asked,
" Tell me about some of the people who were here last year".

I went to a restaurant that serves 'Breakfast At Any Time.'
So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I went to a general store.
They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

My friend got arrested for counterfeiting.
He was making pennies.
They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday.
Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap Department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

I was born by Cesarean section.
But not so you'd notice.
It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.

Trees that grow in smoggy cities are needed to make carbon paper.

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?

I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately,
extremely abstract.
No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang 'Happy Birthday'.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

I bought this thing for my car. You put it on your car, it sends out this little noise, so when you drive through the woods, deer won't run in front of your car. I installed it backwards by accident. Now I drive down the street with a herd of deer chasing me.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes,
why do we still have monkeys and apes?

If a parsley farmer loses a law suit,
do they garnish his wages?

My girlfriend and I went on a picnic. I don't know how she did it, but she got poison ivy on the brain. When it itched, the only way she could scratch it was to think about sandpaper.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?

You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail,
and then you remember it really is?

How can there be self-help 'groups'?

My watch is three hours fast,
and I can't fix it.
So I'm going to move to New York.

Why is the third hand on a watch called the second hand?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

One time I went to a museum where all the work on display had been done by children. They had all the paintings up on refrigerators.

Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay
to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

When I was a little kid we had a sand box.
It was a quicksand box.
I was an only child...
Eventually.

One day I got on the bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous blond Chinese girl. I sat beside her.

Today I was arrested for scalping low numbers
at the deli. I sold a #3 for 28 bucks.

Why do they use sterile needles for lethal injections?

Why are there braille dots on the keypads at drive up ATMs?

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.